How to Divorce a Narcissist

‘Narcissist’. The word has been cropping up more and more in the family courts. The language surrounding divorce is changing with the times.

A few years ago we would see the word ‘crazy’ thrown around all the time. Someone is getting a divorce from their ‘crazy’ ex-partner. This language isn’t actually very helpful however. It’s emotive, vague, and does little to tell your solicitor or the courts what the person is actually like.

But the word ‘narcissist’ is specific.

What is a Narcissism?

The Hollywood cliché of a narcissist is somebody staring into mirrors and doting on how good they look. The reality is much more nuanced.

Narcissism is a personality disorder in which the individual has an inflated sense of self, and less regard for the needs, emotions and experiences of others. It’s not necessarily somebody who loves their appearance or even loves themselves. Often it’s the opposite. Many narcissists struggle with deep rooted insecurities and an emptiness inside that they constantly work to fill. Their inflated sense of importance isn’t just a shield for this emptiness, it’s a way to lure people in to fill that void.

Rebecca Zung, author of Slay the Bully: How to Negotiate with a Narcissist and Win, calls this their ‘narcissist supply’. The need to control people, have people at their beck and call, and soak in the feeling of being powerful and admired. That is what fuels their narcissism and it is the key to negotiating with them.

Signs that you are married to a Narcissist

Narcissists are often adept at manipulation. They don’t want you to see them as a narcissist and so they will try to control the narrative away from themselves. And the natural person for them to then ascribe blame to, is you.

Gaslighting is a common occurrence in relationships with narcissists. This is a term that describes when a person denies reality to make you feel like you are going crazy. The phrase comes from a play in which a man convinces his wife that she is going insane by steadily changing the intensity of the gas lights in their home when she thinks she is alone. If you are repeatedly told that you are wrong, misremembering, or not making any sense it can erode your own confidence in your reasoning and sanity.

You start to feel like you are going ‘crazy’.

This means that the power in the relationship is squarely in your partner’s hands. They control the narrative, they dictate when you are being ‘crazy’, and so they then get to make decisions and speak for you. The world revolves around them.

Understanding a narcissist is the first step to breaking their power. Once you know that they are feeding off controlling you, you then find your means of escape. Independence from them, freedom to live a life that doesn’t hinge on them, deflates their sense of self.

As Rebecca Zung describes it, you need to cut off their ‘narcissistic supply’.

Narcissists are obsessed with power and image. They will try to maintain power over you and come out ‘looking the best’. It is important that you free yourself from this cycle. Zung describes having one narcissistic male client who had the option to simply apologise to his wife and walk away from the marriage without paying a penny. The alternative was refusing to apologise and pay her an enormous sum of money. He was dead set on refusing to say sorry to save his pride and keep paying her so that she was financially dependent on him.

Now, that is narcissism. In the end, he gave in and apologised. His image was dented and his wife was finally free from his control.

UK divorce process

With the introduction of No Fault Divorces in the UK, it is now easier than ever to escape an abusive relationship. No fault divorce has been deliberately designed to make it less traumatic and more accessible to those caught up in damaging relationships.

Previously, you had to assign guilt in order to get a divorce which could be messy and drawn out. Fighting a narcissist through the courts system is draining work and many simply didn’t have the capacity to do it. With no fault divorces you can now file for a divorce without providing a cause and be out of that situation sooner.

Read more about No Fault Divorce in our blog post here.

Divorce Cost UK

So how much is a divorce in the UK?

The cost of the divorce application itself is £593. It is possible to fill out this form yourself and go through the process without a solicitor. However, you will need to agree a financial arrangement and any child arrangements. Negotiating these is where the difficulties arise. It is a complex thing to do and can be a sticking point for a lot of couples.

If there is a complicated set of circumstance, large amounts of money, difficult family dynamics, or just opposing views, then we would strongly advise that you seek the help of a divorce solicitor. We have years of experience on matters like these and know all of the pitfalls, processes and where to draw the line. We will be pragmatic to help you push for what is fair and reasonable, in a caring and compassionate way, whilst using a firm hand where needed.

Professional divorce solicitors in London

If you need a family lawyer in London, then you have come to the right place. Our family department of Primrose Pearl Hudson and Susanna Russell have years of experience between them working incredibly complex divorce cases and achieving fantastic results for their clients. Below is a recent quote from one of Primrose’s recent clients:

“Hubbard Pegman & Whitney were outstanding in handling my issue. Primrose was exceptional; she managed everything with remarkable efficiency and, more importantly, with profound humanity, which made a potentially unpleasant situation much better. I cannot thank her enough for all the support she provided during that time. I would highly recommend this firm.”

If this is the kind of support you are looking for with your divorce, do get in touch today either via the contact form on this page or by emailing info@hpwsolicitors.co.uk or calling 0208 735 9770.

Read more about divorce in our other blog posts:

How Much Is A Divorce In England? – A Simple Guide

Separation or Divorce? Navigating Unknown Territory

Divorce: What Happens When Assets are Simply Insufficient to Meet Needs?

Does divorce have to be expensive?